There are moments that change everything. A word. A look. A smile or a goodbye. And when life comes down to its final heartbeats, titles, achievements, what we have or don’t have, the things you had to do that day and left for the next, none of that matters anymore. What really weighs is what we felt and didn’t say, what we kept quiet out of fear, what we didn’t do out of shame, or what we took for granted thinking we’d have more time. But time, sometimes, runs out without warning, and when it does, it doesn’t knock. It arrives suddenly and takes everything away like a storm.
It’s not that we’re feeling especially sentimental today, it’s just that Dr. Siddhartha Mukherjee, a palliative care doctor (that is, someone used to accompanying patients in their final hours), has heard hundreds of goodbyes, and this is what he wanted to share with the students graduating from the University of Pennsylvania.
Surprisingly, many of the people this doctor has accompanied have said the exact same things in their final words. Four phrases that hold all the wisdom are summed up in just four sentences. Four truths that, though simple, contain all the wisdom we forget in our rush. Are we aware of life’s most essential things?
“I want to tell you I love you”
Why do we often forget to say such simple words as “I love you”? According to Mukherjee, it’s one of the most common phrases he hears in his patients’ final hours. Many use their last breaths to express a love that perhaps they didn’t express over the years, that they kept quiet, or simply didn’t say enough. Isn’t it a shame that such beautiful words, filled with so much feeling, are so hard for us to say, and that we only become aware of how much we loved when life is slipping away?
Another common expression Mukherjee hears is “can you tell me that you love me”. So let’s say it more often, let’s get used to hearing these words from the people who matter most to us, and to whom we matter most. Let’s stop caring what the rest of the world thinks and focus on our circle, on caring for it, and making our people feel loved.
One thing Mukherjee reminds us is that the end of life removes filters and leaves only the essentials in plain sight. And above all, that we should say “I love you” more often, while we still have time.
“I forgive you” or “Do you forgive me?”
Once again, becoming aware at the last minute that holding grudges brings us nothing good, that actions pass and forgiving is wise. Many take the final stretch of life to free themselves from guilt, or to free others from old guilt, resentments that have built up in the body over time. But why don’t we do it sooner? It’s sad to wait until the last moment to release that weight, to reconcile with someone, or to heal old wounds. Remember, everything that worries us today or seems important will stop being so at that moment.
What happens to people when they know they are going to die?
Often, when people are dying, they use some version of these phrases in their final moments. Thank-yous and acceptance of the situation also tend to appear once the moment has arrived. The first, to thank for shared life, for some moments, expresses recognition and humility; the second, not just resignation, but a way of acknowledging that the cycle is complete and it’s our time. Mukherjee explains it as a moment of emotional clarity sharper than ever before, and those who speak these words are aware they’ve done all they could in their lives.
Taking life more seriously and making the most of every second
These were the words Mukherjee addressed to the students: “Love and forgiveness, death and transition, waiting only delays the inevitable. We live in a world where love and forgiveness have become outdated trivialities, and people have learned to laugh at them” (You can watch the full video by clicking here)
How to live a fuller life?
The psychologist from the Human Flourishing Program at the Institute for Quantitative Social Science at Harvard recommends the following:
Remember it’s always uncomfortable to admit we do things wrong and it’s natural to protect our self-esteem, but take responsibility for your actions, experience negative feelings and let them flow, offer sincere apologies, and try to repair the harm caused. Learn from the experience and move forward.
So let’s learn to live life as if today were our last day. Unlock your phone and send “I love you” to as many people as you want. Don’t wait to be on your deathbed to say the things you couldn’t say while alive. Let’s learn a bit of carpe diem and make the most of every minute this life gives us to show our loved ones how much we care! Who knows if we’ll still be here tomorrow.