Raising children is probably one of the most complicated tasks we face as humans, and many times we choose to create hostile environments with them just because they do not behave quite well (or not as well as we would like…). Now, child psychology has shown that the key for our children to grow up in healthy environments and be able to develop correctly! There are six “magic” phrases that can help them listen actively and have a good emotional connection with us (and not feel fear when they talk to us or tell us things, that is also important…).
Active communication
This psychologist has studied 200 relationships between parents and children (including her own with her kids) and has understood that when children feel emotionally safe, when they know they can express what they feel without fear, they learn to listen and take care of themselves.
It is important that their emotions are validated and that they feel that their parents are on their side! The phrases are not superficial tricks, but tools to build trust and emotional security in daily life. And to reinforce that, there are six phrases that can win the most complicated battle.
“I believe you”
The moment we doubt them (“Did you really not do it on purpose?”), they get defensive. They go from being connected to protecting themselves. When we believe them, shame disappears and security appears. And a child who feels safe listens and shares.
When your child does something he should not, and says he did not do it on purpose, just answer “I believe you” and offer him a solution, that way you will solve the problem without arguments.
“Let’s solve it together”
If a parent only gives orders, the situation becomes an arm wrestle between parent and child, but when the child participates in the solution, it is much easier for him to follow it and learn that there are things that should not be done.
For example, when your child does not want to pick up the toys, you can set small limits, for example, helping to pick up a little.
“I understand you”
When a child is overwhelmed, he is in survival mode. Logic does not work with him. What he needs is to regulate himself, and this phrase tells him that he is accompanied and that he can release what he feels.
For example, when he starts crying instead of telling him he is exaggerating, you can tell him it is okay to feel anger or rage, that you understand him and accompany him in that pain.
“I am listening, tell me what is happening.”
Before a child can listen to you, he needs to feel heard. It is that simple. When he feels understood, he stops resisting. That way you reach the pain behind the anger and you can help repair it.
“I am on your side”
Many tantrums grow because the child feels he is at war with the adult he needs the most. With this phrase you go from being the enemy to being his ally, and that changes everything.
“I got you, no matter what”
When children make mistakes, shame appears. And hearing this teaches them that love does not depend on being perfect. There is the difference between obeying out of fear or truly taking responsibility.
The key is safety
That our children have an environment where they can feel and be is the most important thing for their upbringing, and even more in their relationship with their parents. No magic phrase will make a child turn into an adult, but it is important to protect their dignity and their security!