These days, it’s rare to find someone who doesn’t have a smartphone. These devices are supposed to bring people closer together, right? We’re always connected, but imagine being with your partner sharing a special moment, or just trying to talk about how their day went… and their attention is focused on their phone. Even though it’s essentially right there in front of you, you feel like you’re miles apart…
This often overlooked fact is called “phubbing,” a combination of the terms “phone” and “snubbing,” which describes how mobile phones are the third wheel in our relationships.
What is phubbing?
It is the act of ignoring a person (in any environment) in order to pay more attention to our mobile phones. It seems silly at first, but this behaviour is emotionally damaging to people, from feeling undervalued to feeling isolated. This effect not only occurs in couples, but also in friends. And the fact is, nobody likes to feel ignored in their safe environment…
Is our phone to blame for breaking up relationships?
A group of Turkish psychologists have decided to investigate how this “phubbing” effect is affecting the marital relationships of many people. These scientists decided to analyse the responses of 712 people with an average age of 37 years, and the result is clear. Those couples who reported phubbing also reported lower marital satisfaction, meaning that when the phone becomes a priority in the couple, essential aspects are neglected.
Why do you think it affects you so much?
Because it is tiring to have to call the attention of a person who lives with you, or who has met you to talk about life and be with you. This fact wears people down, generating frustration and rejection. Why is it so difficult for us to pay attention because we are on our phones? Is there no time for everything?
But, even worse is when both people in the relationship (of whatever nature) do it, it is known as “double phubbing” and in this case, the disconnection is such that the relationship becomes increasingly colder, and in many cases, there is no turning back…
How does this affect your marriage?
Easy, with the relationship cooling down due to lack of attention, small frictions tend to accumulate, and attention and respect are the fundamental bases of a relationship, if one of those two pillars disappears, the disconnection begins.
Over time, these “frictions”, this lack of communication and this lack of attention make any conversation become tense and end in conflicts that are more difficult to resolve, even leading to break up couples because of this.
How can I fix it?
If you’ve seen yourself reflected in these words, don’t worry, there’s an easy solution. The best thing is not to banish the phone from our lives, but to find moments where it isn’t present, for example, during meals, before going to sleep, watching a movie or simply when you’re on the couch chatting. Spend time exclusively with your partner and let them notice that both the interest and the flame of the relationship are still alive.
Another key point is assertive communication, so if you feel that this is a real problem in your relationship, communicate it to your partner, without blaming, just explaining how it’s making you feel so that you can both find a solution together.
This seems to be one of the modern problems we are going to have to face, without even realizing it it seems like something very small, but its effects can turn into something very deep if we are addressed in time. None of us likes to feel ignored while our partner watches penguin videos on Facebook… The good thing about this is that the solution is as much in our hands as our partner’s, and the most basic one is to dedicate some healthy time to the people we love (off screens, of course).
Next time you are with your partner, try to put the phone aside, because the most important connection is not the one we have with the wi-fi but the one we build with the people around us and whom we call home!